concrete terms. the jewish community, one achieves ones immortality in a sense through ones family. >> reporter: it's safe to say, one thing holds true across time, the definition of heaven is intensely personal. you can hear more of these extraordinary stories when you watch "to heaven and back" tomorrow night, 7:00 eastern here on cnn. here in the cnn news room, i'm rosa florez in for don lemon. we start with north korea. a plea from the white house, a requestions to release american detainees.

an american veteran who served during the korean war apologizing to killing troops and civilians during the war. according to his family, he was detained while on a ten-day tour of north korea in october. the white house response says given his advanced age and health conditions, we urge the dprk to release mr. newman to he can return home and reunite with his family. the white house also urged them to release kenneth bay, another american held in the country for more than a year. let me bring in carl on the phone in tokyo. do we know if newman has had any contact with western officials? >> caller: we do. in fact, we understand from the state department that on saturday a swedish diplomat did visit newman.

we haven't had word about the state of his health right now but certainly that swedish diplomats had access. u.s. diplomats can't meet because north korea and the u.s. don't have diplomatic ties. when one looks at the video where he reads his confession, he looks in reasonable health. >> now, do you think his apology is going to help him any in this case? >> caller: that really is the big question now. in the past, it may have been sufficient to make this kind of public apology to then be granted some kind of pardon and be sent on your way. because of the issues right now, it's not quite clear. i have been talking to a number of political analysts here in japan who followed the north korean situation and they say they believed his confession may be enough for the north korean in terms of propaganda purposes

and may be ready to release him. they say quite probably the north koreans will be looking at a diplomatic context to work out logistics and may insist on handing over newman to a high level delegation. a number of details to work out if the north koreans are prepared to release him. >> what about kenneth bay, the other detained american, could this help him or hurt him? >> caller: the distance with kenneth bay is obviously, he's been held a longer time. he's been in custody in north korea for a year. little movement in terms of releasing him. he's been sentenced to 15 years hard labor. difficult to say what's going to happen in his case. also, there is no guarantee after this confession newman will be released. after all, the things they are

accusing him of sound quite serious. they are focusing on his military record in the korean war and accusing him of being a member of a culvert and unit that organized spying and sabotage activities behind enemy lines. they say on his return to north korea, he tried to make contact with the former gorillas he would train in the past. so we really do have to see over the coming days what is going to happen with newman. no word on the fate of kenneth bay. >> thank you so much. that karl on the phone with us from tokyo. tomorrow on news room at 5:00 eastern, we'll talk with a man who commanded the white tigers. he can say more what newman and the other men in that secret unit did during the korean war. we move on, the race to fix the obama care website is going down to the wire. obama administration officials

say the site is getting better ahead of the midnight deadline. they aren't done just yet. tech experts are still upgrading hardware and tweaking the software hoping the rollout, number two, we should add, will be better than rollout number one. if it's not, it could be an ugly week at the white house. tori is keeping on top of all this. tori, the obama administration sounds confident. do they think this site is going to work, it's going to be an all fix? >> you know, from what we have heard so far, they sound optimistic saying they are on track and this website is performing well on deadline day. according to the white house, the site is going to behave differently for users. one measurement that's been brought up in an administration briefing is pages that took eight seconds to load should be less than a second. a fraction of a second.

there are lots of fixes like this happening. the president made the promise this site will be running for the vast majority of users. the goal is to have 50,000 users on at the same time. we are told if the number exceeds that, people will get in a virtual line and an e-mail with a better time to log on. i talked to a computer tech expert who's been following this closely. i asked if the site looks better. this is his answer. >> without having the internal metrics and static reports on the website, we, on the outside will not be able to tell. but the people who are in charge of the system will certainly know what the load is and will be trying to balance that properly across their different servers. as an outsider, we are not going to be privy to that information. >> so the question is, is it working. even if it's working smoothly,

insurance providers are saying there might be problems with the back end of the site. customer's personal data is getting messed up. the question is, is it working and how will we know it's working? >> those answers are vague. is there a way to really know if what they said was going to work is actually going to work? >> i think we have to get a look at the numbers. we know the white house actually has ways to measure the success or failure of the site. we don't expect them to release the met tricks right away. there's a conference call happening with reporters. they canceled todays. there's going to be a lot on the line tomorrow for the president and lots of questions asked during this conference call during tomorrow mornings meeting. >> probably a lot of people online trying to figure out if that website works. tory, thank you so much, we

appreciate it. >> sure. a helicopter crashes into a pub killing at least eight people in glassgow, scotland. a band was playing with a police chopper smashed through the roof. crew. dead were the helicopter's five others were inside the bar. investigators searched into the night nor others that might be buried in the rubble. we have the latest from glasgow. >> reporter: after the helicopter crashed through the roof, police confirmed eight people died. they are unable to sigh if more bodies will be found. the crash site is still dangerous and needs to be secured. imagine the situation where the helicopter has come down and is almost literally sitting in the middle of the building. >> reporter: as a result searching the building is dangerous. it will be a long, sensitive

situation. it will go on for many days yet. what is clear is on friday night, most people had an extraordinary escape. those inside were enjoying listening to a local band playing. when the helicopter crashed, at first, few realized what had happened. >> people were listening to the music. we thought because of that the roof came down. we said to the band, stop playing. then within five seconds the whole place was engulfed in dust. the noise. they said to people, because they were panicking, i said hold on. >> reporter: once the gravity of the situation became aware, they rallied to help each other in a way that's been praised by civic leaders. >> when there is trouble and people need assistance, the people of glagow head toward the

situations. the city of glasgow, the people make glasgow. last night and the period since. >> reporter: air accident investigators are now on the scene to begin finding out what caused the helicopter to crash. throughout the night, the rescue and recovery work will continue. the police have admitted they won't know the final number of people who pair risched until they remove the helicopter. in scotland sunday, special prayers will be said in churches across the country for those who died and those who were injured in the accident. richard quest, cnn, glasgow, scotland. >> ahead, a crowning achievement of his presidency. obama care could end up being president obama's biggest black

eye. numbers show he's already feeling the pain. and -- >> i saw my body, i will say that was the first time i actually thought, well, i guess i am dead. i guess i really did die. >> on the brink of death, a woman talks ability her trip to heaven and back. we're back after this. as your life changes, fidelity is there for your personal economy, helping you readjust along the way, refocus as careers change and kids head off to college, and revisit your investments as retirement gets closer. wherever you are today, fidelity's guidance can help you fine-tune your personal economy. start today with a free one-on-one review of your retirement plan. the price you see is the price you pay? yep, best prices of the year.

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president obama has a lot riding on the reboot of the government's health care website. that website rollout has taken a toll on how americans view him. how he talked about the trust issue last night in an interview with abc. >> a lot of the criticism is personal. people just don't think you are trust worthy. >> well, i don't think that's true, barbara. the truth of the matter is, i got reelected, in part because

people did think i was trust worthy and they knew i was working on their behalf. >> now, let's talk about trust, politics and the obama presidency with a professor. he's a historian at princeton university. very good to see you. this topic is incredible. we have seen these numbers definitely move, but a new cnn poll disputes that 53% of people tell us that the president is actually trustworthy or not trustworthy. 46% say he is trustworthy. can the president continue to govern and get things done if the majority of americans don't think he's trustworthy? >> it makes it more difficult. it makes it more difficult on capitol hill because legislatures are that much less willing to enter into difficult negotiations with him. the key is, this can change.

we have seen how polls fluctuate. people have trusted him until now to do the right thing governing. >> can he continue to govern while, i guess, these polls showing that the people don't trust him? can we continue? >> he can. president obama made a career right now ignoring the polls. his tendency is to move forward, continue with the strategy foreign or domestic policy, regardless of what you are seeing. he's waiting for the benefits to start rolling out. if the website works in the next few weeks, the trust numbers will change dramatically. >> i think that's one of the keys. can a relaunch kind of reboot his trustworthiness, do you think? >> i think it can. his likability is still high. the republican party is still doing poorly. it's not as if americans have

great options in washington. if the program starts to work and other issues take more attention away from this, you can see those numbers rebound. again, the issue of governing is separate in some ways. i think he can continue to move forward with his agenda. >> finally, in obama's defense, most americans still like him as a person. 71% say he's likable. have other presidents been able to leverage from their popularity to get things done politically? >> for sure. president clinton did it in the late 1990s. he was on the defense. republicans controlled congress. the one thing he had going for him was americans liked him. they did have this good feeling for him. he used that to attack republicans. other presidents have done the same. dwight eisenhower was loved and used it to attack democrats. likability does matter. >> we'll have to see what happens.

professor, thank you so much for joining us. we appreciate it. >> thank you. still ahead, it was an unbelievably risky gamble. turning terrorists into double agents and sending them back home in hopes that they would yield valuable information. the secret cia program to turn guantanamo bay prisoners into spies. that's next. just by talking to a helmet. it grabbed the patient's record before we even picked him up.

it found out the doctor we needed was at st. anne's. wiggle your toes. [ driver ] and it got his okay on treatment from miles away. it even pulled strings with the stoplights. my ambulance talks with smoke alarms and pilots and stadiums. but, of course, it's a good listener too. [ female announcer ] today cisco is connecting the internet of everything. so everything works like never before.

former nsa contractor edward snowden is making new headlines months after he leaked documents about the government's classified spy programs. canadian broadcasting quoted new nsa documents linked to snowden that show how the u.s. spied on world leaders three years ago on canadian soil during the g-20 summit in ottawa. in a separate report, the "huffington post" sites more snowden documents, this time, tracking important website visits in hopes of gathering evidence to damage their reputation. let's bring in bob. he's a cnn national security analyst and former cia operative. bob, thank you for being with us. good to see you. before we talk snowden, i have to ask you about today's news

from north korea. what do you make about newman and his apology? >> two things, first of all, technically the war is not over. they are going look at him as an enmy combatant, which is bad news. secondly, in his so-called information he was recontacting networks in north korea, which is propostrouse, really. they are not using him to set up networks in north korea. the north koreans are reaching on this. it's an irrational government. who knows what they are going to do next. >> let's turn back to snowden and the snowden documents. what is the bigger deal, that the nsa tracked the websites, web habits of suspected militants or that the u.s. was spying on world leaders during the g-20? >> spying on anybody connected with terrorism, you can do anything you want, frankly, in

this country or anywhere else. the problem is going after the g-20 in canada, it's crossing a red line. there's an agreement within australia, canada, britain, new zealand, not to spy on each other. it was held to over the years. so, the canadians have not reacted well over there. there's going to be serious repercussions. >> you mention this is crossing a serious red line. what would be the consequences of this? >> well, i think the canadian services helped on this and there's going to be, you know, political blowback for them. they shouldn't have done this. i spent a lot of time in canada with their attorney general. they don't like getting involved many american spy operations. goin to be political fallout, is guarantee you. >> let's go to another topic. penny lane, a program run by the cia after 9/11 and you know it

very well. it was designed to train terror suspects at guantanamo bay to become double agents. talk to us about this. did this program actually work? >> it worked fabulous. i used to do it when i was in the cia, go to a foreign country, they let us in their prison. sit a detainee down and convince them to come to work for us. it works 10% of the time. when you get good sources, it works great. i can't tell you the success rate at guantanamo, but if they get one or two out of it, it was worth it. >> i have to be honest, it sounds extremely risky when talking double agents or turning terror suspects into double agents. talk about the risks and possibly some of the failures. >> well, rosa, exactly. in afghanistan four years ago now, the cia officer and her

subordinates were killed in afghanistan because they had taken one of these prisoners, they thought he came over to the cia. when he was let loose in the pool, he was rerecruited by al qaeda and murdered these people. the risk is enormous. most of them are true believers. once they get back to where they came from, they will often turn on you. there's no way to predict when they will and when they won't. >> oh my gosh, fascinating stuff. bob, cnn national security analyst and former security agent. >> thank you. still ahead, stories of life after death. the kayaking accident leaves a woman under water and without oxygen for 30 minutes. she didn't just pass out. she says she went to heaven and talked with jesus. what she says made her come back after the break. remember this, the image of the pope comforting a disfigured

man? cnn caught up with the man to find out how life has been for him since this moment. ready to run your lines? okay, who helps you focus on your recovery? yo, yo, yo. aflac. wow. [ under his breath ] that was horrible. pays you cash when you're sick or hurt? [ japanese accent ] aflac. love it. [ under his breath ] hate it. helps you focus on getting back to normal? [ as a southern belle ] aflac. [ as a cowboy ] aflac. [ sassily ] aflac. uh huh.

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to get your free, personalized plan comparison today. call, go online, or visit your local store today. welcome back, their stories begin tragically. marry neil was trapped under water more than 15 minutes. anita was living her final moments with stage 4 lymphoma. in a cnn special, "to heaven and back," randi kaye talks to people on the brink of death when they say they left this world for another. their stories, their words, their answers to all the questions we'd all like to ask. >> i could see the scene on the river bank. i could see them pull my body to the shore. i could see them start cpr. i had no pulse and i wasn't

breathing. one fellow was yelling at me to come back. >> you were unconscious, how do you know this was happening? >> i felt my body break free and i felt my spirit break free and i was greeted by these people or these spirits. i could be with them and be going down this incredible pathway and simultaneously look back at the river. when i saw my body, i will say it was the first time i actually thought, well, i guess i am dead. i guess i really did die. >> in the book, you write about dancing with them. >> yeah. >> were you celebrating something? >> yes. >> what? what were you celebrating? you just died. >> it was a great homecoming. i was really surprised by the fact that i had no intention of going back. >> you didn't want to return?

>> no. and i had all the reasons to return. i had a great life. i had a great job. i had a great husband. my children are wonderful and i love them more than i could ever imagine loving something on earth. but the love i felt for them in comparison to god's love that was absolutely flowing through everything was pale in comparison. >> then, at a certain point, one of the people or spirits told me that it wasn't my time and that i had more work to do on earth and i had to go back to my body. >> you can hear more of these extraordinary stories when you watch "to heaven and back" an anderson cooper special report tomorrow night, 7:00 p.m. eastern here on cnn. >> pope francis changed many hearts and minds. one of his latest acts caught on

camera is changing a man's life. francis, known as the people's pope took a moment to embrace a man with a genetic disease left him covered with growths, itching and sores. this has gone viral. ben is in northern italy and he caught up with the disfigured man who has become famous around the world. >> reporter: after four hours of work, he is done. five days a week, he does odd jobs at a home for the elderly in northern italy. by the way, did you notice something? yes, this 53-year-old suffers from a herred tear, genetic condition. his body is almost completely covered from head-to-toe with growths, swellings and sores. his mother had the same condition as does his sister.

he's had it since the age of 15. his appearance often terrifies strangers. he recalls trying to take a seat on the bus, but told by the passenger next to him to sit somewhere else. [ speaking foreign language ] >> i wanted to answer back, but i controlled myself. i felt my blood pressure rise. i wanted to leave the bus, but i had a doctors appointment. there were lots of people on the bus but no one said a word. not all strangers, however, react like that. earlier this month, he went with his aunt to st. peter's square where pope francis approached him and without a moments hesitation kissed and hugged him. [ speaking foreign language ] when he embraced me, he recalls,

i quivered and felt a great warmth. he was struck by the pope's very down-to-earth manner. [ speaking foreign language ] >> i looked down at his shoes, they were like this, she says. i thought, yes, this is someone who really walks and he was someone who, if he weren't wearing that clothing, wouldn't know he was the pope. since then, he has returned to his daily routines. he continues to work and root for his favorite soccer team. but something has changed. the pope's simple embrace was a signal to millions that under his tortured surface is a fellow human being. i feel stronger and happier, he tells me. i feel like i can move ahead because the lord is protecting me. however, he still has some

unfinished business with pope francis. [ speaking foreign language ] i hope he calls me so we can have a face-to-face meeting. i have many things to tell him. what do you want to tell him, i ask? it's a bit private, he replies. itis between him and i. he returns home from work on his bike. his dignity far more apparent than his illness. >> we have more on the pope. who didn't love this picture when we saw it recently? it's the pope taking a selfie. in fact last week, selfie was named word of the year by the oxford dictionary. does the rise of the selfie point to our societies

narcissism? my next guest says absolutely. a small business credit card e with amazing rewards. with the spark cash card from capital one, i get 2% cash back on every purchase, every day. i break my back around here. finally someone's recognizing me with unlimited rewards! meetings start at 11, cindy. [ male announcer ] get the spark business card from capital one. choose 2% cash back or double miles on every purchase, every day. what's in your wallet? i need your timesheets, larry! what's in your wallet? ♪ (train horn) vo: wherever our trains go, the economy comes to life. norfolk southern. one line, infinite possibilities.

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welcome back. it's 40 minutes past the hour. the black friday deals at a philadelphia mall weren't all that shocking, but what happened outside one of the stores definitely was. oh, that buzzing you heard there, yep, that was a stun gun. the man who shot the video told cnn affiliate that two guys started yelling at each other. the ladies starting brawling. one of the women zapped the other with a stun gun. no one was arrested, but they were kicked out of the mall.

now to texas. shoppers ran from deals at a walmart after police used pepper spray. cops say they had to use it thursday night after people stormed in and they were full of tablets and headphones. imagine that. except for a little bit of coughing, no one was hurt. those fights in stores on black friday. does that point us to something called a self-absorbed generation, selfish. a common thai tor joins us with a brand-new article on cnn.com. he asks, are we a self-absorbed generation? i think we are. >> we are. what happened, hunger games. people fighting all the time. itis not about being selfisself.

selfies are holding a camera in front of yourself and taking a picture and sharing it on facebook and twitter. the pope did a selfie. the idea of -- now the new thing is funeral selfies. people go to funerals, stand in front of the dead body, i'm not kidding, take a picture. >> that's just disrespectful. >> it's about being the center of attention at all times. we are the most self-absorbed generation. i'm guilty. the reality shows affect us. we think we are kanye west or kim kardashian. it's so funny, we have to share it. >> is it about getting attention and notoriety in this cyber space world? >> i think it's oo big part of it. now you see photo bombing. someone else is the center of attention and someone jumps in the back of the picture to up stage them. so many people need to be the

center of attention at all times and share it on twitter or facebook. this year, an actor walked through a wedding photo. >> unbelievable. >> part of it, it's troubling, but i hope there's a silver lining, ultimately, with this. >> hopefully, if you are watching, send us a selfie. i tweeted one because we did one while we were speaking. i don't know if you caught that. one of the things that caught my attention is how teenagers are using it versus adults. there's a time and age. facebook, everybody was on facebook, then grandma got on. no, no, no, we need to find other ways. are you seeing that as well? there's a migration of uses of different social media based on age? >> that's part of it. i call it is selfie generation. i'm not pointing at anyone. it's anyone who uses social media to talk about their

favorite subject, me. everyone does it. any thought you have, this is really good or facebook status updates like i have to eat potato chips now or i'm going to the bathroom. we feel this desire to share. my point is we are not going to change. technology will make it easier to do it in the future. use it to raise issues. tweet out a selfie in front of a soup kitchen. >> is there a silver lining here? >> i hope. i'm hoping. there are people, i'm not saying everyone who uses social media are selfish. i think we should use it more. it's so easy to do that to push it. >> it's beautiful. >> it is. put an update status on twitter or facebook. it would be about military veterans. 22 kill themselves every day or syria or whatever the issue is that you think about. again, we are selfish. it's a selfish generation. share it, raise awareness.

it's the first step in the change. >> thank you so much. i wish we could continue talking about this all day long. thank you. we appreciate it. coming up next on cnn, the trick play that gives a teen that extra edge in a game. that's fun to watch, but when does getting the edge go over the edge? cheating in sports is nothing new, but does it seem like we are seeing a lot of it? that's next. [ male announcer ] at humana, understanding what makes you different

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we all love the unexpected surprise in sports. the trick play, like this one from a few years ago, a middle school quarterback fakes like the ball is dead, goes for a walk, then runs for a touchdown. you have to love that. but what about tricks that cross the line? ed has the story. >> reporter: if you ain't cheating, you ain't trying. that old saying is alive and thriving in sports. that's jason kidd the head coach of the brooklyn basketball team. they are down with no time-outs. one of the players walks to the bench, you can see him say hit me, then spills his drink on the court. guess what? the game is stopped to clean up the court. it gives them a chance to get

another player. the coach of the steelers accidentally or intentionally, you decide, getting in the way of a ravens player streaking toward a touchdown at a crucial point in the game. he says he lost track of where he was in the field. the ravens say it was deliberate. >> i'm like, does he know? i'm running. is he going to move? he knew where he was. he pulled it. >> reporter: cheating in sports is as timeless as the games. some cheat for money like the 1919 chicago black sox, eight players including shoeless joe jackson were accused of fixing games. >> say it ain't so, joe. >> reporter: the movie "eight men out" the eight players were banned from baseball for life. then the athletes that cheat to keep up with people like whitey ford.

they used vaseline, baby oil, sandpaper, terp tine, whatever they could. it was so legendary, it was comedy gold for david letterman. >> you have your tool belt on? an electric sander, manicure kit. you are ready. >> the performance enhancing cheaters. and those widely thought to have used drugs but deny it including sammy sosa and barry bonds. >> this record is not tainted at all, at all, period. you can say whatever you want. >> reporter: if cheating is trying, it doesn't always work. jason kidd was fined $50,000 for spilling the drink and his team still lost the game. mike tomlin and the steelers, they also lost.

cnn,dallas. now we take a look at headlines after this short commercial break. ...as though he had never left. the end. lovely read susan. but isn't it time to turn the page on your cup of joe? gevalia, or a cup of johan, is like losing yourself in a great book. may i read something? yes, please. of course. a rich, never bitter taste cup after cup. net weight 340 grams. [ sighs ] [ chuckles ] [ announcer ] always rich, never bitter. gevalia.

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white house officials say the obama care website is getting better ahead of a midnight deadline. the administration says error rates and response times are low despite traffic that's heavier than usual. now they are not done yet upgrading the hardware while tweaking the software overnight. the president's poll numbers plummeted since the site debuted with huge issues. just into cnn, the u.s. state department says swedish diplomats have been given access to newman, an american war veteran being held in north korea. video has been released by north korea of the 85-year-old newman confessing and apologizing for

killing troops and civilians. the white house is calling for his immediate release. thousands of people will wear red ribbons tomorrow to mark the 25th annual world aids day. people will show support for those living with hiv and aids and commemorate those who have died. about 35 million people worldwide have hiv or aids. health officials say more than 250,000 children were newly infected with the virus last year. activists are planning to rally in new york's time square and landmarks around the world. >> comet ison. that comet is called the comet of the century. ison is the name. it had a close encounter with the sun on thanksgiving day. scientists thought it dissbi grated when it passed by.

after further review, it may not be the case. here is jenny harrison. >> reporter: they say comets are like cats, they have tails and they do exactly what they want. this, of course, is pretty much what comet ison has been doing. the last 24 hours, they are wondering, did it survive when it encountered the heat from the sun. it looks as if it might have done that. when it was spotted, it was september 2012. two russian amateur astronomers found i way up there, 585 million miles away from the earth. the last few days, the whole world of astronomy has been w h watching it get close to the sun. the comet literally encounters the intense heat from the sun. it looks as if it might have done that. this cross, you can see here, this is where they were looking to see it come out the other side from actually the activity

around the sun. it does look as if it might have done just that. you can see on the before and after, the comet ison coming toward the sun, disappearing behind, at that point traveling 730,000 miles, then coming the other side. what you can see there, that streak of light is what they are saying is possibly the nucleus that has survived. of course, what a comet is, it's a frozen mass of rock and gases and dust. as it actually encounters the heat from the sun, it begins to warm up and spews all of these gases and that is what we can see. of course, they can often be hundreds of miles inside these things. again, another image to show the comet coming toward the sun. again, in this time lapse photography, you can see the blobs. that, again, is possibly the nucleus of the comet. i can show you, again, another movie of the comet coming in.

the closer it gets, it begins to warm up. all the gases released create a trail that go on behind the comet. as i said, the scientists are convinced it has come out the other side. now we can look forward to the spectacle we have from the comet. not visible in every part of the world. never going to see it. december, before the hours of dawn, across the mid latitudes, then to the north, the u.s. and europe. december throughout the early hours of dawn and again after suns sunset. the high latitude, late december and all night long. you can wait and see what we are going to be able to spot in the days ahead. finally, the world's ugliest dog has gone to the grave kennel in the sky. 8-year-old elwood died on thanksgiving morning in his owner's hands. he was a chihuahua and chinese crested mix.

his breeder nearly put him down. he was a star after winning the ugliest dog contest. instead of resting on his laurels, he worked tirelessly to raise money for non-profit animal organizations. he was known internationally and touched a lot of lives in short time. of course, he will be greatly missed. thank you so much. stay with cnn, "presumed guilty, murder in west memphis" begins right now. west memphis police discovered the bodies of three 8-year-old boys in a drainage ditch. >> autopsies showed they died from blows to the head. >> a horrific crime. three young boys murdered. >> at 9:00 that night i knew that i would never see him alive again.